The following piece is one I wrote for our local newspaper 26 years ago! But it is even more essential, more apt, today.
I was listening to a radio show yesterday that had a guest on who researches social trends. What he said has stuck with me. He conducted a study in which people were asked about the people they know. He said we generally know about 150 new people each year. One of the questions was, “What percentage of the people you know are helpful, opening doors for an older woman with her arms full, helping a neighbor who is ill, giving to charity, allowing someone with a cane your seat on a bus, giving aid where needed, etc?”
The answer was 95%. Most of us are kind and giving.
I point this out because if we measured the human population by the voices online, on social media, podcasts, and other shows peppered with vitriol, we would think most people are horrid! And they are not.
Another reason to get offline and visit your friends and family.
On a similar note, my father taught me that having class means you take care to make those around you comfortable. But that is another newsletter.
CIVILITY
Courtesy, thoughtfulness, and kindness go a very long way in our lives, helping us reach our goals, from acquiring what we need from others to fostering inner growth. These characteristics are valued in all the religious traditions I’ve read about; adored leaders use them, and hopefully, our parents taught them.
I believe most people are kind and considerate when they are content. It is when our patience is strained, our stress level is high, and ‘our last nerve is plucked’ to quote a friend of mine, that our politeness can easily vacate our manner.
What I try to remember at these times is something I learned raising my sons and dealing with customers for the last 18 years. Make a conscious decision on how you will react ahead of time. Allowing our emotions to dictate our behavior undermines our credibility. When we are angry because a product doesn’t work and we’re returning it, assume the merchant will correct the problem. If I stop to think, I realize the clerk probably wants to help. That gives me the calmness to explain my situation slowly, with the attitude that they want to help me when they understand the problem.
The same works with children. We can tell a child that she can’t go to the concert in a way that she is still respected, with the attitude that she will understand, even though she may not like it and be angry. For example, “I understand you really want to go to the concert, it sounds like fun. Our rules in this family are that you must reach 18 before you will be allowed to go without an adult. We made this rule to keep you safe because we love you so much.”
When someone is angry with us, it is even harder to maintain politeness, yet it can be done. Make a decision not to react emotionally. Take the other person’s side for a moment, listen without voicing your defense. If we listen long enough, the other person may, just by being heard, feel so much better that he is willing to compromise. The release of his anger may help him see our side. We can then explain our side without attacking the other person. We can start the sentences with ‘I feel,’ or ‘I want’ instead of ‘You…’
During the Week of Civility, I am going to make it a priority in my work and private life to give each person the dignity they all deserve. And treat my family with the respect that an honored guest would elicit from me. Of course, it isn’t easy. With stresses so high these days, it’s harder than ever, but at the same time, more important than ever.