Perceptions create how you are seen, and how you see others

How does one’s beliefs and perceptions affect how they see you? And how do yours affect how you see them? Even if you don’t believe your perception is creating what you see around you right now, even if you don’t believe the world is manifesting through a magnificent orchestration of energies and vibrations from our beliefs and thoughts, it is true your world view and prejudgments allow you to see only a small fraction of other’s attributes.

How you are seen depends on the observer’s beliefs about you.  Two different people can have an interaction with you and end up with a very different impression. You see, certain behaviors, appearances, actions, and words from you are pulled into the forefront by others and how they think about you. The behaviors that aren’t in the observer’s selective perception aren’t seen. This is going on inside each of us, within our ego coloring how we all view others and how they view us. I wrote last month about how we automatically rank each person we interact with—whether they are smarter than us, less attractive, more successful etc. Here are the mechanics of it:

Each of us is using our perception to create what surrounds us every minute, just as if our mind’s beliefs are on a DVD, and what is presented to us triggers what to play on the DVD. Out of this connection to our mind’s software springs a world of sound, color, texture, and physical forms and, of course, other beings. Unless we are really awake, we are each artificially separated, living in this individuated world, seeing everything as either me or other than me.

So, how we view others is completely under our control. Each of us is multifaceted.  If you run into someone who thinks highly of you for instance, and sees you as articulate and knowledgeable, that version of you will be easily displayed. You will probably find it easy to express yourself around this person; and, even if you don’t, he will see you that way. If someone sees you as the cool, unfriendly sort, they most likely will not see your warm side, even if you try consciously to show it.

Our beliefs and perceptions are always checking for validation, proof that they are true, and you will always find the proof.

An easy example is politics and religion. There is so much prejudging that, if one sees you in the context of their beliefs about a certain group, their minds are flooded with preconceptions and they will only see you as fitting perfectly into their belief system about that group.

A happy marriage and a happy family life are very dependent on how the spouses view each other. If you have a negative view of another member in your family, and you hold firm to that with stories you tell yourself, they will present that side to you consistently. It can only be this way. If you become aware of this and your beliefs begin to shift a little so that you start to see another side to that person in your thinking, you will notice changes in their behavior. They will show you surprising sides of themselves.

It may not be easy at first.  Our beliefs can be so entrenched that it seems absolute that a person is a certain way; but if you can just create some curiosity about this subject, you can see a shifting in behavior. This is why expectations are so powerful.  When raising our children, they usually meet our expectations, good or bad.

This also takes some pressure off how we behave with others, because it is their own preferences, beliefs and perceptions that determine how we are viewed by them. So, relax and just totally be yourself.

You can never really know how others see you. Spending time worrying about that is pointless.

Feel stuck between those who are doing and getting what you desire and those who frankly seem way behind you? Are you watching those who are boldly, wildly, putting themselves out there in a manner you think brash or egotistical yet gaining crazy success? Are you measuring yourself against them?

Isn’t it amazing how we continue to find our ‘place’ in the hierarchy of accomplishments, fulfillments, or whatever we call reaching our penultimate version of ourselves! We jockey every day for where we fall in a continuum we imagine everyone falls on somewhere. We instinctively place ourselves higher or lower than everyone we meet! Our behaviors are affected with each differing person’s status, making us more confident or less, even intimidated.

Is this real? It feels real. Yet our heart may give a thump that it really isn’t so. Our heart tells us we are all equal.  Our spirit tells us we are equally priceless. Yet our head keeps generating those thoughts of better than or less than, those comparisons, ad infinitum.

This is the ego, never satisfied, always judging, worrying we aren’t enough or all puffed up that we are ‘better than’. That isn’t who we really are. When we were born, we had no ego. What personality we had was a pure expression of Spirit. Gradually, our ego (I like to compare it to our operating software) seasoned itself through our experiences of life, honing tactics that would enable its greatest chance of survival.

The ego senses its demise if we ignore it, so it loudly chimes in when it senses things could go wrong, someone may not like us, there is too much danger in making a decision; or our biggest dreams are just too big and it fuels crippling doubt.

We can use our ego intellectually to get things done. It isn’t always a negative. It is a useful navigational tool to understand the material world. It needn’t overrule us. We take its power over us away when we become aware of it; when we realize that which is of the ego and that which is of our Authentic Self.

When you are feeling from your heart, observing from your soul, you are filled with clarity. In these moments, know what you observe is far more real than the judging, blaming, complaining small self.

Sages and Saints have written for thousands of years how to quiet the ego and allow more clarity and love to flow into our life.  They are all telling us the same thing: time spent in solitude, studying, rendezvousing with our inner being in meditation, and aligning our life with good habits to reduce stress and enhance health will help us reach that point where we may observe the ego for what it is instead of blindly following its fears. To be trapped in a worrier mind is taking the ego’s fears to heart, without question.

Once we experience this state of witnessing the ego, standing back from it with our brilliant inner wisdom, we break its hold on us. The more we practice doing this, the more peace and joy flows into our lives.

Your voice is a tool that gives an abundance of information about who you are;  if you are saying is of value, if it is likely true, and even if what you are saying is with conviction.

The way your voice is heard may be dynamic and strong, or something less. There is a range wherein your voice naturally resonates with your own inner being. When you speak above that zone, your voice becomes tight, strained, and even squeaky — not a powerful place. If your voice falls below your natural range, it falters, weakening again into a less than smooth, garbled sound to the ears of others.

Just imagine speaking with someone on the phone who talks in a high-pitched voice. Or, someone forcing their voice to go deeper than is natural for them. Does this give you confidence that they know what they are talking about? Is it distracting?

In Arthur Samuel Joseph’s Voice of a Leader, he shows us how, by connecting to our own authentic voice, we can inspire and lead more effectively. By allowing our voice to come up from deep within ourselves in a clear and compelling way, our message can be heard.

To find your ideal speaking range, begin in the lowest range possible while humming as you open and close your mouth. It will sound like mmmm-ahhhh-mmmm-ahhhh. Go up the scale to the highest notes possible. Notice the range in the middle that comes easily, clearly, and comfortably. That is your natural, powerful, voice. Practice this exercise every day. Before you know it, people will be gathering to hear what you’ve got to communicate.

On April 1, 2006

I was preparing dinner for my family on a Saturday night when the phone rang. It was my friend, Mary[1], a woman whom I’ve known for over thirty years. She used to have a store down in the village full of American Indian crafts, (her father was Blackfoot) art, and other gift items. She always helped people who were down on their luck, and she had done that for me. Most recently, she was the first to read my new book, in its primitive stages, and she gave me the biggest shot of motivation I could have received. She loved the story.  She is a very spiritual lady. Anyway, on this night she said, “Now, don’t think I’m crazy, and this hasn’t happened to me in years, but…….I was dusting and I picked up the framed picture of you, and I heard, “Tell Kasey I am going to visit the house, tell her not to be afraid, I’m just a benevolent spirit.” Do you know anyone who has just died? Or maybe they haven’t even died yet. It was so strong I had to tell you”.

I stood in the kitchen thinking, wow. I told her I couldn’t talk at that time, but would call her the next day. The next morning, after taking my husband to the airport, I called her back. We scratched our heads because we couldn’t think of anyone ill or anyone who had died. She told me to burn a light-colored candle, among other instructions.

Nothing happened. We spoke one or two more times on the phone.

On April 5, 2006

Mary called upset. She had just found out from her son, Jim that our dear friend, Paul[2] had died. She asked me to find out when and what happened. Paul was about my age. He was a potter in the village, always charming, gorgeous, and had many girlfriends and a few marriages! Always a surfer and into a healthy lifestyle. It turned out that he was working on his sailboat and suffered a major heart attack dying suddenly. 58. One week ago.

My husband and I had bought our house from his parents. It was built by his mother’s grandfather in the late 1880’s. He had told me how he and his cousins used to fight over the old sleeping porch, which I’ve converted to my art room; they all wanted to sleep out there. The remains of his first kiln are out in the woods behind our garage; a tin frame roof with fireproof bricks beneath it, which I rescued and piled in the garage. He told me tales of living in the apartment over the stables during WWII when his dad went overseas. He, along with his mother, his two brothers, and two sisters stayed there for months in that small two-room apartment with the long sunroom porch covered in vines. He said he didn’t know how they did that back then.

When we bought the big house, he was staying in the cottage next door with his son, Justin. But he left soon after, buying a house on the island. I saw him last month and told him the book about the little girl in the old house was done. I told him I was going to give him a copy[3]. He grinned and said he wanted his Mom to read it too. She would love that!

So, I lit a candle for Paul, knowing how much he loves this place, waiting.

A few days later it happened. Paul made his appearance known. One afternoon when I was alone, several items fell off tables, and I felt his presence in the rooms and it made me smile. It was unmistakable.

In our natural state, we experience a feeling of wellbeing—energetic, comfortable, joyful and at ease. But, to some extent, we all veer away from this due to life events and physical and emotional disturbances.

When we fall from our natural state to one of worry, anxiety, anger, depression or fear, there are tools available to help us climb back to balance again.

When we first experience that drop in vibration, that sinking into the darker feelings, we usually go through stages. If we can define these by becoming aware of what is happening to us, we can move through them back to wellbeing much faster. A deep, life changing event will naturally take more time.

The three stages to move through are:

1)      RESISTANCE

The natural response to the initial shock of bad news, whether caused by feeling offended, distressed, angry or sad, is to resist what is being said, felt, or what is happening. The calm you had felt before is shattered. There are three responses to this stage,

1. Self-Blame
2. Blaming others
3. Ignoring, denying

In all three, there is a strong desire for reality to be different than it appears at the moment. There is a pushing back from the negative emotions that are arising. The words flow through our heads as if we are in a verbal battle with ourselves or others. Or, in the case of wishing it to just go away, suppressing all thoughts of it, repressing the emotional reactions, and distracting oneself from the issue entirely.

2)      OUR STORY

Soon, we develop a story around the issue that more than likely reinforces our negative feelings about it. We want to justify our feelings so we wrap our rationale around them.  Our story keeps us in pain and turmoil or, in the case of ignoring the issue, validates its unimportance to give it attention. Either way, it does prevent us from experiencing our temporarily-submerged, always-present wellbeing.

3)      RE-FRAMING

In this stage, we do the necessary internal work to tell a new story that not only states what is really true but gives relief so our wellbeing rises back into our awareness. There are many tools you can have in your ‘tool kit’ to get you moving up the vibratory ladder. If we do not go through this stage, the bad feelings eventually go underground, possibly affecting our emotional and physical health. In this stage, we also acknowledge our feelings, allowing them to move through us and into the ether.

I have an example of something that happened last week in my own life. I received an email from an associate that one of my clients was making a ‘bad’ decision. I was surprised because he hadn’t spoken to me, and this client has been with me for several years. This was not his ordinary behavior. My heart sank, thinking what could be going on. I called him, braced for bad news. It turned out someone had sold him on an idea I wouldn’t advise. After I got off the phone, I quickly went from resistance and not wanting to believe this, to the story that someone coerced him into doing something that was not in his best interest. I was worried. I was sad. I felt powerless and afraid because it seemed like a significant risk to his financial health.  This was my story and it really made me suffer.  It had been a day filled with land mines already.

Then I stopped myself, realizing I was reacting to my story about it and I have the tools to rise from it. I analyzed the situation. Based in reality, what was really true? Why is this bothering me? What belief is causing me pain?  In The Work of Byron Katie, she would have me ‘turn it around’. So, if I think, “He is dumb for making this decision”—“Someone is taking advantage of him”—“He’s nuts for never asking me!” or “I must have done a bad job”—“Someone made him.”  I would turn that around to “He’s smart for making this decision”—“I’m dumb for making my decision”—“He’s taking advantage of someone else”— “I’m dumb for never asking him!” or “I’ve done a good job.”

Turning it around in as many ways as possible begins to loosen the grip the story has. Eventually, I realized that his decisions are solely his business, not mine. I am available for advice if he wants it and only if he wants it! In the larger picture, whatever he experiences is part of the great gestalt of his life, his karma, and his creation. If he loses money in a big way, so be it.  I can love him whatever he decides. (I love my clients.)

So, I allowed myself to move through these feelings from not being consulted, feeling somehow responsible for his decisions, and they left. As soon as I went through this mentally, my happiness flowed back. It took a few hours. That’s all.

And soon after that, good news came flowing to me as well.

Philosophy, spirituality, and sociology are fascinating topics. To study them leads to more understanding of ourselves and our world, and hopefully how we can reduce suffering and increase wellbeing. Wanting this, of course, leads to politics. The organizing power of people can encourage and support wellbeing for everyone.

Politics, for many, also leads to a struggle. There is the pain of sitting on one side of a political viewpoint and hearing the hateful tone and words from the other side. How do we create wellbeing while noticing this?

The Buddhists have an answer. Non-attachment.  Suffering, according the Buddhist tradition, is caused by our thoughts and desires and our attachment to them.  This attachment can be to a reality that is other than what we see, an attachment to an idea, a relationship, or thing other than what it is, etc.

Also, in the yogic philosophy, the practice of balance in all things adds to the likelihood of finding wellbeing — eliminating the extremes, staying centered, non-violence in thought and deed.

Since paying attention to politics sent me out of balance and caused me to feel stress, I’ve intended for a few years now to use this as part of my spiritual practice. Here is my intention:

1)      To see all views as valid.

2)      To forge an understanding of all sides

3)      To loosen my attachment to one viewpoint.

This does not mean I don’t carry my own opinions and vote. This just means I don’t feel emotionally off balance.  I have compassion and understanding for all views and am not affected by the vitriol that is thrown around by those who are unconsciously so attached to their own views that they cannot see any others.

My practice has created a shift within me. I sense new energy surrounding commerce and politics. I realize it isn’t obvious out in the world, yet. But it all begins with each one of us.

The Evolution of Political Consciousness.

It doesn’t matter where you are on the political spectrum. When we learn to listen to one another with love and understanding, we will be able to heal the societal landscape.

There exists a tension between where you are now, and the known comfort of that, and where you could be, with all of the promise of expansion, growth and joy. Breaking through that tension will release the discomfort in the anticipation of it.

It is much like surface tension on water. It resists something moving up through it or spilling over the edge of a container. When the force moving through the resistance becomes greater than the hold of the tension, it breaks away.

Our lives are like that. Sometimes we only change and grow when we are forced to break through the status quo.

Just on the other side of that little resistance you feel is your more authentic, more expanded self. Push through.

On our TV ads, internet and magazine ads, we see in bold type: Anti-Aging, Reverse Aging, Stay Young, Youth Shield, and Protect against Aging!!

It sounds as though the number 1 disease afflicting our society is aging! One has to really research to find positive examples of people experiencing healthy, normal, enjoyable (yes) aging.

It seems there is a great underlying fear of aging, with visions of an unattractive, helpless, frail and unhappy senior and then…that unmentionable, death.

We are even shocked when we see a vibrant, active, productive 80 year old. So much so, we put him or her on the news!

This perception is a result of our attitudes and beliefs. We push away at aging, seeing our senior years as an unimportant, leftover part of life that we don’t want to look at. And there is the Western view of death, which is to talk about it and think about it as little as possible, the unknown being so unthinkable and frightening. Yet, death is just a door to the next adventure.

There is another way. With grace and a new perspective, we can embrace aging, embracing every advantage and joy from this last phase of human life.  From seeking mentors and role models to healthy practices for wellbeing, we can create an enriching, purposeful, later life, replete with wisdom and higher consciousness.

We make endless decisions throughout our life that determines how well we will age. We now know that only 10% of our genetic heritage determines our condition of health and aging. The rest is environmental including our spiritual, mental and emotional attitudes.

We can rewrite our own story and how it will unfold.  We all live in our own alternate universe of our own making!

Our choices include our thoughts and beliefs, how we react to our thoughts and emotions, how we take care of ourselves physically and the company we keep, to just name a few.

The common theme through all of this is to what extent do we experience wellbeing. I love that word, the meaning, and the condition. What does it mean?

Wellbeing per Dictionary.com:  A good or satisfactory condition of existence; a state characterized by health, happiness, and prosperity.

I’d like to add emotional and spiritual health, in which we are connected to the depth of all that we are, with a sense of reverence and awe at our very existence. This doesn’t mean that we’re happy all the time, because life is messy and complex. We learn and grow through our challenges and changes, through allowing ourselves to feel and love deeply. If we do this with awareness, it adds to who we are in a positive way.

Here are some ways to age well, with emphasis on wellbeing:

1)      Listen to your body. If it is whispering discomfort, tiredness or stiffness, lethargy or restlessness, it is giving you the message to shift your focus, stop to notice, and take loving care. The answer lies in your innate body’s intelligence. Learn its language. Do this at the first sign and you will ward off more serious, louder cries for attention, i.e. dis-ease.

2)      Your body’s condition is a reflection of what is going on within you emotionally. We hold our past traumas and injuries, emotional as well as physical, within our bodies. Doing yoga has been shown to help release past trauma such as PTSD for people.

3)      Allow your emotions to be felt as they come up. We all have a kneejerk reaction to shove those uncomfortable feelings back down; but doing that over and over means we don’t ‘digest’ them properly, and they will continue to exist as underlying stress. If you sit with your feelings, acknowledging them, they will disperse on their own to torture you no more!

4)      Every day, intend your life to be what you desire. Intention is very powerful. Begin your day with thoughts and plans that make you smile. How will you be? How will you treat others? How grateful will you feel?

5)      Meditation/Prayer.  Spend some time each day in solitude, offering yourself to your highest, to God, and be still. The benefits are obvious, but did you also know that studies show this will dramatically change your brain to more flexible, creative, clearer, and emotionally-balanced?

6)      Eat mindfully. Eat only when you are hungry. Leave 25% of your stomach empty to aid digestion. Sit down to eat and do not eat when you are upset. Reduce frozen, leftover, un-cooked, nuked and canned foods. Eat fresh foods with different colors and tastes.

7)      Move your body. Choose to move throughout the day. Walk outside every day. Stretch or do yoga and keep flexible. Walk outside barefoot.  Not only is it good for you but, as you age, you will have good balance.

8)      Continue to make future plans to look forward to. Your desires fuel you forward, make you vital and interested. Nothing will pick you up like making concrete plans for a great event or trip.

9)      Love Yourself. So very important. Look into your eyes in the mirror and say “I love you!” Love others —   that’s your job!

10)   Choose role models or Archetypes you want to emulate. This is also very powerful. There’s a ton of literature out there to help you discover the archetypes you resonate with. There are hints within your dreams & daydreams, your attraction to certain stories, to heroes and heroines, and once you focus on these examples, you will be propelled to make shifts in your life. You will soon be displaying what was once hidden attributes that you never knew you had!

11)    Surround yourself with positive people who are where you want to be. And eliminate to your best ability those who undermine your joy.

12)   Go with what makes you strong. Every thing, person and activity either gives you energy or makes you feel weaker. Pay attention and choose wisely.

13)   Don’t retire. I don’t mean to tell you to stay in a job you dislike. If you are 56 or 61 or 65 and cannot wait to retire, seek what inspires you, what you’ve always wanted to do. Go for the joy it brings. Joy flowing through you is what keeps you healthy and dynamic!

14)   Invest Your Money. Yeah, put some money aside each payday in long-term accounts so you live in abundance as you age. And knowing you have that fills you with confidence.

15)   Ignore the Cultural Messages coming from society, media, or any source telling you that your life will be somehow ‘less’ because of your age.

16)   Find your Courage. You must be fierce and bold to age gracefully.  And do not ever give up. You are a magnificent, absolutely amazing and unique being, the likes of which has never, ever been seen before. Reach down deep within and all the riches in life are there for you.

What we may miss when not listening to our inner voice just might have big consequences. We are all so busy and, in our busy-ness, we just may lose a chance for some of our most important lessons and opportunities, within which lie steps to our evolution.

I signed up for a weekend program advertised to expand my possibilities. Really looking forward to it, I printed my map and took my phone with my GPS, but the trip to the first meeting was harrowing. Used to our small-town traffic, with the combination of 5 lane interstates and missed signs, I found myself lost more than once. I soldiered on and got there late, thinking if this isn’t really worth it, I’m not coming back in the morning! It was really great, but I got lost again on the way home, took some wrong turns, and was fairly well spent by the time I arrived home. I told my husband I probably wouldn’t go back the next day (it was a three day event).  But, thankfully, decided to sleep on it before making a final decision.

This is where the rubber meets the road. I have no idea what kind of resistance I was experiencing on that day, but a part of me continued to push me to go back, even though I didn’t want to go through that drive again. I alternated between feeling like a failure, angry that I got lost, and excited that I had such a good experience while there.

Thank God I listened to the last voice, my inner-guiding voice, my higher Self. It continued to rise in my heart to go back to the rest of the event. When I awoke that second day, I moved through the morning with the idea crystalizing that I  would go.. So, without much thought, I readied and took my IPad, with my route mapped out.

Not only was my experience a deep, transformative treasure but, in addition to the further opening of my spirit and blossoming of my heart, I synchronistically met up with dear friends on a stairwell. With over 500 people in attendance, the chance of running into them was very slight. But there they were. The deliciousness of the rest of the weekend was amazing.

If your spirit is nudging you to take a leap, go to that event, or take that course, or job, or trip. listen to it! Even if you find barriers, hurdles, or obstacles in your path. If you keep hearing that small, steady voice, there is a very good reason to follow.